South Park: Military Hijinx
by Mike Wolfman
Summary: Cartman screws up and gets the entire class thrown into a military school for the rest of the semester. At the camp, Cartman learns a few valuable lessons, will he become a better person?
1. Chapter 1: Fight at the museum

South Park: Military hi-jinks

By Scorch-X

Chapter 1: Field trip fiasco

It was yet another day in South Park, the fourth grade were heading out on a field trip to the Middlepark museum. Most of the class were happy to be out of school, but wished they were heading to another destination then the museum.

"I don't like museums." Kenny muttered, "But then again I've only been to one."

"Yeah, that's cos you're poor." Cartman sneered. Kyle rolled his eyes at Cartman.

"Well, at least Pip'll be right at home." Cartman said

"And how is that Eric?" Pip asked.

"They have museums on every street in Paris." Cartman laughed.

"Yes, well considering I'm from Staffordshire, which is in the heart of the Midlands, I wouldn't know much about Paris." Pip said

"Staffordshire, is that in the middle of France?" Cartman asked

"Idiot, it's in the middle of England." Kenny said.

"How long have I lived in South park, about three years?" Pip asked, "Do you keep calling me French to irritate me?"

"Y..yeah, remember the time he threw the dodge ball at Kyle?" Butters asked.

The bus arrived at the museum and the class headed inside and began their tour. Halfway through the tour, Cartman tripped Pip over. He fell and hit his head on a display case of swords, smashing the display and cutting his head.

"Jesus Cartman, are you trying to kill the guy?" Kenny asked.

"Eric, I saw that. Detention tonight." Mr. Garrison said. Mr. Garrison then begun to apologize to the guide about what had happened. The manager appeared and the adults begun to talk.

"You okay Philip?" Butters asked and helped him up.

"I'm fine, thanks Leopold." Pip said, "Watch out!" he yelled, and shoved Butters to the side. Cartman had gotten pissed off that he'd been caught by Garrison and charged at Pip, football tackling him to the ground. Cartman then started to beat the crap out of Pip, but he found out that Pip was a lot stronger then he looked. The Brit threw Cartman off and leapt to his feet. Cartman tried a second tackle, this time Pip was able to counter it and sent Cartman into another display. Suddenly the museum security appeared to subdued the two.

"Wait, Pip didn't do anything." Bebe protested, "It was all Cartman's fault."

"Gotta take em both to the office and review the cameras to find out what happened." A guard said. Several hours later, the bus was heading back to South Park, the principal had been forced to go to the museum and she was pissed off.

"Bet our parents are gonna be pissed." Stan said.

"I really don't want to think about that." Pip sighed. His head hurt and his body hurt.

"You have no parents Frenchy." Cartman goaded from the back.

"I have adoptive parents. And you have what, a hermaphrodite mother who is really your father and no idea who your mother is." Pip snapped. Everyone on the bus gasped and burst out laughing at Cartman.

"Ooooohhh." Craig said, "Fatboy got burned."

"Everybody, shut the fuck up!" Mr. Garrison yelled. Principal Victoria gasped loudly at Garrison's outburst.

"I'm sorry April." Garrison said, "These kids are just out of control."

"Herbert, I'm giving you time off, with pay." She said, "I'm going to make some phone calls, but I expect you and your class in the auditorium at 9AM on Monday morning."

After an uneventful weekend, the class was sitting in the auditorium awaiting the principal.

"Hey, you okay Pip?" Kenny asked. Pip smiled slightly

"I'll live." he said, "Eric doesn't even hit that hard, but him sitting on me nearly killed me."

"You would be dead if he farted." Kyle said

"Ha ha, guys. Very funny." Cartman sulked. Liane had grounded him for a month due to his behavior.

"May I have your attention please?" Principal Victoria asked, "Due to the incident at the museum on Friday and also due to multiple incidents caused by students of this class, the school and your parents believe a 3 month course with the ROTC may be the solution to help you to develop and learn skills that will benefit you in later life." she continued to talk as Cartman nudged Stan.

"What the hell's an ROTC?" he asked

"You ever wanted to join the army?" Kenny asked

"No, of course not." Cartman said

"Surprise, you've just been conscripted." Pip said

"Conscripted?" Cartman said, "With the amount of fried chicken I eat, I'm as regular as the milkman."

"That's constipated. Con-scrip-ted...it means...what does it mean Pip?" Stan asked

"We're in the army now." Pip said

"ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!" Cartman screamed, "YOU'RE SENDING US INTO THE ARMY?"

"Excellent." Kenny said, "At least I'll eat more then once a day."

By Wednesday, the arrangements had been made. Stan's uncle Jimbo had helped to set things up and even offered some sage advice.

"Don't eat the chicken korma MRE." he said, "You'll make it Stanley, just do what the drill Sgt. says."

By the end of the week, the entire class was standing in the middle of an army base near Denver. A drill sergeant welcomed them.

"Welcome to Denver base, I'm Sgt. Mike Grey. I've been assigned to you cadets to train you and mold you." Grey said, "Before we start, do you have any questions?" Cartman raised his hand, "Cadet?"

"Name's Cartman. Were you a real soldier?" Cartman asked

"Of course I was a real soldier." Grey said

"Who did you piss off to get stuck in this dump?" Cartman asked.

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST SAY CADET?" Grey snapped, and marched over to Cartman, "I took this position after I suffered from post traumatic stress disorder and couldn't serve in the army as a soldier. Have you ever suffered from trauma, apart from the time you ran out of snacky cakes? What's your name you tub of goop?"

"Cartman sir." Cartman said, shitting bricks.

"We'd better drop your weight a bit, drop down and give me 20 sit ups now!" Grey said. Pip snickered at Cartman's pitiful attempts at sit ups.

"Something amusing?" Grey asked. Pip gulped.

"Sorry sir, he bullied me at school and I was happy to see him being punished. It was immature of me, and I apologize for laughing." Pip said.

"Your name?" Grey asked

"Philip Ian Pirrups sir." Pip said, "But most people call me Pip."

"Right, 20 press ups for being disruptive." Grey said.

"Yes sir." Pip said, stating to do press ups.

When Cartman and Pip were done, Grey continued his briefing.

"Now, as you may have observed, I don't take disrespect or disruption lightly. But I'm not a complete bastard for no reason and I can make some exceptions as you are children. You will be on a modified course, you will carry lighter equipment. You will also be assigned to units. Alpha team will consist of Clyde Donovan, Craig Tucker, DogPoo Petuski, Kevin Stoleyand Bradley Biggles. You're in Dorm 1. Bravo Team is Eric Cartman, Kenny McCormick, Kyle Broflovski, Stanley Marsh and Philip Pirrup."

Sgt Grey continued to assign everyone to teams and dorms and continued to talk, "You can earn points for your team or loose points if you act disruptive, disrespectful or endanger yourself and others. Now head to your barracks and place your bags into your footlockers."

As the kids headed off, Stan, Kyle and Kenny stopped to ask Sgt. Grey a question.

"Sir? May I ask a question." Stan asked

"Sir? What happened to Uncle Mike?" Grey asked.

"It would be improper to address a commanding officer by his first name, sir." Stan said. Grey laughed.

"I'm off duty now Stan." Grey said, "How's Jimbo and Ned?"

"You know him Stan?" Kyle asked

"Sgt. Grey is friends with Jimbo, Ned and my dad, I've known him since I was two." Stan said, "I'm worried sir, you placing Cartman and Pip in the same dorm...they'll kill each other."

"It was a request from the school, make those two work together. If they don't kill each other, they may stop hating each other at least." Grey said, "Now run along."

"Yes sir." Kenny said, as they headed to their dorm. As predicted, Cartman and Pip had picked beds as far apart from each other as possible.

"Well, 3 months in this room. We'd better get used to it." Kenny said, "Wonder if we're allowed to put up posters?"

"Should ask the Sgt. first." Pip said. Cartman made clucking noises.

"Blow it out of your arse." Pip said, leaving the room.

"No don't do it Cartman, your fart would kill us all." Kenny said, also leaving the room with Stan and Kyle. The 4 decided to take a look around the area.

"Cool, a rifle range." Stan said. Kenny froze, an image of himself being shot entered his head for a second.

"Kenny, you okay man?" Kyle asked

"I'm fine. Just another flashback." Kenny said

"Flashback?" Pip asked

"Kenny's convinced he's died multiple times in the past but keeps coming back to life. I'm not calling him a liar, but I think he's just watched too many movies and keeps having nightmares." Stan said.

"If they were just dreams...they felt so real." Kenny said

"South park students, report to mess hall for supper. Repeat, South Park students report to mess hall for supper." A PA announced. When the group arrived at the mess hall, they found Cartman was first in the queue.

"Surprise there." Kyle chuckled. They took their food to a table they were sharing with Alpha Squad and ate their meal.

"What the hell is this stuff?" Cartman asked, they had been served a stew with crackers.

"Stew." Kenny said

"I know that numbnuts." Cartman said, "I mean what kind of stew?"

"Looks like an American take on Irish stew." Pip said.

"Kn...knock knock." Jimmy said

"Whose their?" Kenny asked

"I I Irish stew." Jimmy said

"Irish stew who?" Kenny asked

"Irish stew...in the name of the law." Pip and Jimmy said. The group chuckled.

"So, what are you and Timmy doing here then Jimmy. You can't do the obstacle courses and stuff." Kyle said

" . Timmy's learning morse code...and I'm learning battlefield management. We can still do the riffle range though." Jimmy said

"I've never wanted beefy logs so much in my life." Cartman sighed, "I think this stew tastes nasty."

"Cartman, this may be the best thing to ever happen to you." Kenny said

"How?" Cartman asked

"Dude, your mom's a great person, but she's given you the wrong type of food for so long." Kenny said, "You're not healthy man, you're eating yourself into an early grave."

"Ah'm not fat." Cartman protested. Pip opened his mouth to say something, but decided not to be nasty.

"Eric, while I have saw much fatter children, your weight is not healthy. By the end of these 3 months, your mother won't recognize you." he said, "Besides, if you want bad food, you should try stargazer pie."

"What's that." Kenny asked

"A pie with fish filling...and fish heads sticking out of the pastry so it looks like the fish are looking up out of the pie." Pip said

"Oh god, that's just wrong." Kenny said.

"Sounds as bad as Haggis." Jimmy said. Timmy chuckled.

"Haggis." he laughed

"Haggis is okay. Chef served it to us once." Kenny said

"I wouldn't know, but the ingredients of haggis sound bad." Jimmy said

End of Chapter 1


	2. Chapter 2: Keeping a journal

South Park: Military Hijinks

Chapter 2: End of week 1

Journal of Pip Pirrups

So, we've all been given journals to write in. Never wrote one before, but I'll try it. Okay, the week wasn't too bad. It took a few days to get used to the camp, but by day 5 we were all settled in nicely. I'm even able to tune out Eric's snowing now. The food is okay and we can have tea or coffee with breakfast. It's the first time I've actually wanted coffee over tea, the tea tastes like something urinated into a cup and we added milk and sugar to it. Myself and Eric, we fought a bit at the start, but it's been pretty quiet for the last few days. Maybe we both can't stand to do more punishment, Sgt. Grey doesn't mess around.

Journal of Stan Marsh

It's been an interesting week. Kenny loves it here, guess having a warm bed and 4 meals a day is like heaven to him. Eric and Pip, they've stopped fighting. I guess 3 times cleaning the bathroom finally got to them. I did it once myself for insulting Cartman, never wanting to do it again.

Journal of Kyle Broflovski

It's pretty tough here, but we're holding on. Even Cartman's snoring isn't bothering me. Trick is to fall asleep before him, it usually takes him about an hour to drop off. The meals all have funny names, Sgt. Grey tells us some funny stories about life in the army, how the MRE rations caused constipation and were nicknamed Massive Rectal Expulsions or Three lies for the price of one, they're not meals, they're not ready and they can't be eaten.

Journal of Kenny McCormack

It's great here, I'm getting to eat more then once a day, I have a warm bed and a room that doesn't smell of damp. Cartman's being weird though, he's been quiet the last three days.

Journal of Eric Cartman

Day 1: So pissed off. I'm gonna kill Pip for getting us stuck here,

Day 2: I feel sick. Grey says I'll live.

Day 3: I collapsed during the drill. Sarge sent me to the medical tent for a checkup.

Day 4: I'm feeling much better. They couldn't find anything wrong with me, but I feel great.

Day 5: I've never felt so good. I could run a marathon. How long is a marathon anyway?

Day 6: We did the obstacle course again. I did it in half the time I took on the last go.

Day 7: Well, one week's done. The others are writing their journals too. They've only just decided to write theirs though.

End of Chapter 2


End file.
